You are over 23 weeks along now- the size of a grapefruit. WOW. Time is really steamrolling by now, which on the one hand is great because of course we are dying to meet you: Alex the little person & not Alex the abstract concept in my belly…
… but on the other hand, as time goes by and the pregnancy progresses, there is definitely an alarming level of fear & anxiety building up in my head. Feeling you move so much, seeing all these ultrasound pictures of you, working on your nursery, etc. makes all of it feel more & more “real” everyday. And it is so great, absolutely everything Dad & I have been looking forward to & dreaming of for so many years, but finally standing on the edge of that cliff we’re about to jump over is also– to be honest– kind of terrifying.
I’m actually not at all afraid of childbirth itself: I think that between my strength/willpower, Dad’s support & modern medicine I should be able to handle that just fine. What I’m really afraid of is what happens after we bring you home from the hospital. Being 100% responsible for your tiny little life is a huge job, and something that both Dad & I have absolutely zero experience in. I didn’t even do much babysitting growing up, and the little bit I did was not with infants. I just want to be able to do right by you, my son, who I love so very much already. And with such a fragile little being, I think there’s a lot I can screw up. :-\
So those are my open, honest feelings about it at the moment. I want these letters to you to be a true snapshot of what this process was really like for us– the good, the bad, & the ugly… or in this case, the crazy! Haha. And the truth is that these are normal feelings that all new parents have, and hopefully if you ever have children of your own someday (OMG I cannot even remotely fathom that concept right now as I write this) you’ll be able to read these letters and know that it’s okay to feel this way. It doesn’t mean that I am not absolutely ecstatic to be bringing you into this world, to be expanding our little family & sharing my life with you. I feel more and more of a connection with you everyday, and have loved you from the moment I saw that barely there line on the pee stick almost 20 weeks ago. That will never change. These thoughts & feelings I’m sharing with you today are really just about my own insecurities.
My method of combating these feelings are the same things I always do with my fears of the unknown: books, videos, more books, classes, internet research, and oh yeah– MORE BOOKS. 😉 As they say, knowledge is power! Haha. But I know that there’s really no manual for this crazy adventure I’m about to take… and that is what is really scary. Giving up control is something that has always been very tough for me, and I really don’t have a choice here– all I can do is try my hardest to be the best mom I can be, and the rest is in God’s hands. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that He will do what is best for all of us.
I should quickly point out that today’s letter does not in anyway represent what Dad is feeling. With the exception of the bleeding incident at 6 weeks, Dad has been very much “Joe Cool” throughout this entire pregnancy. Truthfully, Dad tends to internalize feelings of fear/anxiety, so he is probably experiencing more of this than he lets on. But he says all the time how confident he is that we’re going to be great parents, and that there are people out there much less responsible than us who have managed to pull it off (which is a solid point I suppose). He is, as always, my rock that keeps me grounded when I start to let the neurosis carry me away. Don’t know what I would do without him. 🙂
Now that I think about it, we are long overdue for another “interview” with Dad! Maybe I will work on that for next week. Something for you to look forward to, little man! Until then…
All my love,